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Newport Dancers' GazettePrevious IssueNext Issue Gazette Archives |
The Newport Dancers' GazetteNewport Dance Week
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MID-NINETEENTH CENTURY BALL
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MUSIC ON BOARD THE RMS TITANIC
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ASK MRS. ASTORBILTDear Mrs. Astorbilt, I don't mind sitting out a few dances. I understand that there are often more ladies than men at a ball. I do feel, however, that it adds insult to injury when I cannot find a chair to sit in because they are covered with fragile fans, purses, cameras or shawls. How can I clear a chair of its debris without offending the owners? Tired of Standing Dear Miss Tired, The balls at Newport are held in lovely, period ballrooms. We have become very careful about leaving our modern paraphernalia in separate rooms. One almost never sees a tangle of shoes or bags under the chairs. Nevertheless, there are some things that are too lovely or too useful not to bring into the ballroom. Each lady or gentleman should think ahead about the loose objects they will have, and plan some places to keep them. Cameras (don't forget to label your camera ahead of time, and keep it in a period style bag or covered with a cloth) should be left on a table or on a mantle or windowsill out of the way, and preferably far away from the entrance of the room. Fans should be carried as much as possible (either in the lady's hand, or in her partner's pocket). If they are particularly fragile, they should probably be left home. Shawls should be folded and tucked carefully out of the way. Remember, if you leave your things draped over, or dropped onto chairs, you are inviting them to be sat upon. If you carefully deposit them out of the way, they will be less likely to be damaged or misplaced. If you need to clear a chair during the evening, Mrs. Astorbilt trusts that you will do so with as much consideration as possible. Mrs. Astorbilt Dear Mrs. Astorbilt, At a recent ball I approached a pair of ladies standing together and asked one of them if she were available for the next dance. She declined very politely. I suddenly realized that I was in a terrible dilemma over whether I ought to ask her companion for that dance. I'm afraid that I hemmed and hawed rather stupidly, then beat a hasty retreat. What should I have done? In A Quandry Dear Mr. Quandry, Except for the hemming, hawing and hasty retreat part, most 19th century etiquette manuals agree with your instinct not to ask that nearby lady. In these manuals, a gentleman who finds himself declined for a dance is advised not to ask any nearby lady for that same dance. Presumably, the reason for this is that the second lady would naturally, and appropriately, feel that she was your second choice. On the other hand, Mrs. Astorbilt knows a number of twentieth century women who would rather be second choice than not chosen at all. Mrs. Astorbilt congratulates you on having discovered one of those truly difficult situations where a combination of innocent acts (asking for a dance and being declined) has put you in a position where you are d---ed if you do and d---ed if you don't. Mr. Cecil Hartley, the author of Mrs. Astorbilt's favorite etiquette manual for gentlemen, is firm on this matter: "If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is seated near her to dance the same set. Do not go immediately to another lady, but chat a few moments with the one whom you first invited, and then join a group or gentlemen friend for a few moments, before seeking another partner." (Hartley, Cecil B. The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette (Philadelphia: 1860) p. 96.) Mrs. Astorbilt is in fact of two minds on the issue. Mrs. Astorbilt believes that you should not feel compelled to ask her, but she also feels that you should not feel compelled not to ask her. Mrs. Astorbilt will instead content herself by offering some advice to all involved. Should a gentleman choose to ask that nearby lady to dance, he should not refer in any way to the matter of having previously asked another lady for that dance. There is no explanation that can be offered that would outweigh the fact that one should not spend time while dancing with one lady discussing the fact that one would rather, for whatever reason, be dancing with another. Should the gentleman decide not to ask that nearby lady, he could do no better than to follow Mr. Hartley's advice as to detailed procedure. In this case, Mrs. Astorbilt reminds the lady of a somewhat parallel situation that is frequently addressed in etiquette manuals: "A lady cannot refuse one gentleman's invitation, and then dance with another - but should one do so, a gentleman will not notice it, but quietly engage himself elsewhere."(Anon. The Art of Good Behaviour (New York: 1848), p. 26.) Like the gentleman in this situation, the lady is advised to just forget about, or even better, not notice, the entire matter. Mrs. Astorbilt reminds that lady that there are many good reasons why a gentleman might go elsewhere to seek a prospective partner, and it is not a good idea to spend too much time at a ball thinking about all the gentlemen who, for whatever reasons, do not happen to ask you for a dance that evening. Mrs. Astorbilt "A very neat trick can sometimes be worked at a dance. You have steadily avoided a particularly dreadful damsel throughout the entire evening. When she has put on her cloak and fur overshoes, and you see her hurrying through the hall with her maid, on her way to her carriage, jump out of the smoking room and say: "What? Home so early! Can't you stay and
have just one with me?" Manners for the Metropolis 1912 |
ETIQUETTE AND ARITHMETIC
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